"Having conferred with my esteemed colleague, Confirmation Bias, I can say with confidence, the more I understand the more enraged, afraid, and depressed I become. Ms. Bias and I have rigorously examined a selectively limited data set to reach this appalling and universal truth.
"Further, the findings of this very scientific meta survey of the stuff I remember indicate everything has always, and will always, suck. All actions are doomed to failure, happiness is neither compatible with knowledge nor moral behavior, and all will be burned away in that fateful epoch wherein this dumb planet is engulfed by the stupid fucking sun.
"The last point at least offers this researcher some small solace."
"We will be taking no questions. Answers are false anchors tying one to the delusion of sensibility and meaning.
"This then concludes the imaginary press conference. And again, questions are futile, just like everything anyone has ever done.
"Thank you for wasting your finite time with us, you monstrous fools. Goodnight."