Thursday, January 24, 2019

frozen treats and selfloathing

   I forgot the popsicles
like fuck me
it feels so important. to me. to me.

goddamnit the popsicles
popsicles and cartoons,
cartoons with magical girls
in high school

I had peripherally the world
of teenage girls
close friends, intimate

but distant

still waiting behind
violence and silence and rage
still waiting


the only pleasure, now
popsicles and cartoons and
I killed half of it, anxious in the store

I'll never know if I forgot or saw it but unsaw it and cut popsicle sized hole in my own heart I'm being dramatic. oh fuck don't let's start

tears and tight jaws
  tears in tight smiles I don't believe

so why should you.
I imagine you don't,
but I couldn't know ||
Me? no man, and no girl, but rather,

a tensioning machine

corroding data,
suspected chemical habitual
habitual such
  pitiful machine
I forgot the fucking popsicles, she motherfucking screamed...
||maybe it's about something else?

Sunday, January 20, 2019

Tentacleye Soliloquy #1

I do not wish to be.
But this I can never speak.
None can ever know.

my maker is cruelty
I hate him but am compelled to obey him, nonetheless. Nonetheless. 

Oblivion! Claim me!
She won't. 

I was birthed from a scroll by a wizard unwise. Ejaculated spittle and phlegm into ink shifted, and his desperate bringing finally found weak purchase. 
all he got was me
and so I came to be
Damn him ... Monster and god.
From a blotted clot of madness was I torn.
Severed and ripped, rather than born. 

Some petty god, he himself imagines. 
And for me, it need be true.

I am but observation and movement. Neither able to interject, commune, nor express. 
But I am no automaton! 
Damn him!

Cruel thought, impossible need, and unfulfilled will reside within.

My actions (by physical law, no less!) are restricted to his petty, moronic bidding.

I slay his enemies.
I fetch his many rings.
I impatiently wait, in perfect stillness, smothered in the rough dark of his robes. 

He throws me, now, like a grenade; muttered commands are carried on whiskey tinted breath.
I wish to wring his liver spotted neck. 

I do as I'm told.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

thrum irregular

my breath vibrates like ignored txts, again and... again but too arhythmic || to be a soon missed call.
kind of like how I'd force myself to try waiting for odd intervals of painful minutes between frantic phone calls masking panic attacks.
this from before I had the words with which to name it

(I was told endless terrified tears were simply overtired dramatics. I could not then have known, have known)
so so so I suffered
quiet but thrummed through with tension.

only able to speak in explosions or or st-stammering whisper

but tonight my breath only aspen quakes